DO IT IN THE DIRT short feature

Part of LA Weekly's BEST OF L.A., October 2007

Why Don't We Do It in the Dirt

Top 10 email responses to the question, "Where would you have your last lay in apocalyptic l.a.?"

10. “Krispy Kreme?”

—Derek Thomas

9. “Forest Lawn... ’nuf said. Does it have to be in the city? ’Cause Neverland Ranch comes to mind as well.”

—Scott D.

8. “Hugh Hefner’s bomb shelter.”

—Pandora Young

7. “On Santa Monica Boulevard. They’ll probably be having some really cool party that I don’t even know about.”

—Arthur Carlton

6. “In the kitchen of Canter’s Deli while eating a pastrami sandwich. As George Costanza would tell you, pastrami is the sexiest of salty, cured meats.”

—Matthew Fleischer

5. “In the Scientology castle on Franklin. It just looks comfy in there, and maybe Isaac Hayes would be there to sing about making sweet love during the last moments. There’s also the possibility that the Scientology aliens would actually come down to rescue them and I would be taken along by default.”

—Andrew Vickmon

4. “I’m thinkin’ in the back row of the ArcLight during the 2031 release of the remake of The Man Called Flintstone. I’ll be eligible for free Viagra with my popcorn and Milk Duds, and I’ve always been hot for Betty Rubble. Ever notice that Barney was always smiling?”

—Peter Fletcher

3. “The Jet Propulsion Lab clean room, where they assemble in a completely dust-free and germ-free environment those gazillion-dollar probes they hurl out to Mars and other planets. You could give new meaning to the phrase cockpit.”

—Jill Stewart

2. “ANYWHERE!!!”

—Anonymous

1. “That tranny/prosty doughnut shop on Crescent Heights in Hollywood. I imagine their hookers are like their doughnuts: No matter what you pull out of the bag, chances are it’s going to surprise you, and probably taste stale.

“Or I’d go to the Hollywood Forever cemetery with a lawn chair and some kettle corn and watch all the necromaniacs in the city ‘raise the dead,’ so to speak.

“I’d also go to Target and tear some up in the Home Accents department. What is it about Target (besides Food Avenue) that makes people so horny? If I die while screwing on top of a shattered Isaac Mizrahi bedside table/lamp combo, that will be the first question I ask God.

“You can also mention that I’m a Virgo, I’m 24 and that I’m allergic to shellfish, although I can’t see how that would be relevant.”

—Jason Underhill